We Are The Cheeze
By
Dave Eaton
Anthony Ball
and
Our purple donkey
Character List
|
Super Evil Guy |
Main character of the play,
must be a dynamic actor, with ability to feign many accents. |
|
Wonderful Man |
Must be willing to wear a
tutu. Very enthusiastic, your typical cheesy hero, complete with deep cheesy
hero voice. |
|
Anna Scent Bystanda |
Lady, not easily impressed,
except by Wonderful Man. |
|
Narrator |
Reminiscent of Stan Lee
from the old spider man and incredible hulk cartoons. Must appear on stage. |
|
Guard |
Buff, with lots of weapons
and deranged look. |
|
Old Lady |
Preferably played by a
large man with hairy legs in a skirt. |
|
Peaches |
The type of person who
would be married to a woman like old lady. |
|
Officer on Duty |
Police officer. |
|
Lost Driver |
Joe Anyone, or even Jane. |
|
Clerk/Sandwich Guy |
McDonald’s at 3 am comes to
mind. |
|
Other officers (2 - 5) |
Idiots. |
|
Drivers (2 - 5) |
More idiots. |
|
|
|
Characters may be
switched in and out as you please, in fact, they probably should be. All,
except of course, Wonderful Man and Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuuun!].
Setting
Time
Two
weeks from Friday
This font is huge!
This font is not so huge.
This font is right out.
This font is right out.
This play is… well, cheesy, and we have fully intended it to be so. Please, feel free to take your liberties with it, so long as it smells like Roquefort. This play is a spoof on spoofiness, and we had fun with it.
This play also uses a lot of characters, but, since it is cheesy we felt it would be good to have the extras switch from part to part, making a need for at most, 15 total cast members, though do-able with 10.
Scene transitions should be from one half of the stage to the other, lights up on one, and down on the other to speed up run time. Set changes may occur in the darkened area while the lit area is active. The narrator should be lit from a corner of the stage by spotlight for all monologues, and eating. This may make for eye strain, but hell, it’s a cheesy play.
Scene 1
Narrator: Metro city, a city
of peace, happiness and 24 hour disco bars.
All in the city is quiet
tonight, except....
Super Evil Guy: [to himself] I must acquire capital to
fund my dastardly doings, but how…. Where can I find enough?.… AHA! the Metro
city bank, and I have the perfect plan! MUHAHAHAhahahaa….. etc.
Guard: OH NO! It’s Super
Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] [guard
enters combat mode]
Super Evil Guy: [In whiny
“fingernails-on-chalkboard” voice] Wait, I’m
not Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!],
I’m Lenny!
Guard: Oh, so sorry, Lenny, did anyone ever tell you you look
kind of like Super Evil Guy [dun dun
duuuunnnnn!]?
Super Evil Guy: No… do I really?
Guard: Yeah… Well, Lenny, the bank is closed, can I help you with
something?
Super Evil Guy: Well, I was wondering if I could get into the
vault?
Guard: [very gung-ho]
Sure!!
Super Evil Guy: [evil voice, to audience] Just as I had planned!!!
Guard: All right, come with me, Lenny. [pantomimes opening doors,
vault, etc.… they enter vault]
Super Evil Guy: [gets all,
then, in villain voice] AHA!! You fool!!! I am really Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], MASTER of disguise, and now I have the money
I need to fund my dastardly doings!
[Guard re-enters battle mode, Super Evil Guy advances
on him, threatening viciously with finger! Guard cowers back.]
Guard: No… No please! No… don’t hurt me!! NO!!!! Oh, Wonderful
Man, where are you!?!?! Oh no!
Super Evil Guy: Very well, I shall spare you, but soon, none
shall be safe, from Super Evil Guy [dun
dun duuuunnnnn!]. Now, drop to the floor, and count to pi! [Exits with
a swoop, and a laugh]
Scene
II
Narrator: [gains
focus] Elsewhere in
[fade to hero¸ and Old Lady. Old Lady is preferably a
large man with hairy legs in old lady clothes (show the legs)]
Old Lady: [old lady voice]
Oh, Wonderful Man, save my Peaches! Get him down from that [accusingly] awful, awful, tree!
[“tree” is in wings to avoid
nasty prop…]
Wonderful Man: [super hero voice] Never fear, Old Lady, you will see, I shall pluck peaches from the tree. [exits to
wing]
Old Lady: [ad-lib, backseat super-hero] Oh, oh, look out… a little more to the left, be careful! etc.…
Wonderful Man: Here Peaches [assorted cat calling sounds;
Meow, Crash] etc.….
[Wonderful
Man enters, bringing old man: Peaches, who is making cat noises, purring,
meowing, pawing at Wonderful Man, etc.]
Old Lady: PEACHES!! Oh, THANK YOU, Wonderful Man! [hugs husband, “Peaches”]
Wonderful Man: All in a days
work, ma’am. And you… [to peaches] shouldn’t go out on a limb like that, Peaches.
Peaches: [enthusiastic, 1950’s sitcom, happy to learn, Timmy
and lassie ‘Timmy’ voice] OK Mr. Wonderful
Man, I’ve learned my lesson!!! I’ll never climb into that tree at two in the morning ever again!!
Scene three
Narrator:
Later that night, after Peaches was safe and sound, Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] was at it again…
Super
Evil Guy: [pondering evil voice] And now, before I can carry on with my dastardly doings,
I must neutralize those who would stop me, but who… and how?… AHA! The Metro
City Police Department, and I have the perfect plan! MUAHAHAHAHhahahah etc.…
[goes to police department, walks up to front desk]
Officer
on duty: Super Evil Guy! [dun dun
duuuunnnnn!; all other officers scramble around]
Super
Evil Guy: [backwood-ish voice] Well shucks, I ain’t Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]! I’m Jimmy-Jo-Bob [pauses] Luke.
Officer
on duty: Oh, Whew! I was worried for a second! How can I help you Jimmy-jo-Bob
[pauses] Luke?
Super
Evil Guy: Well shucks, I just got into the big city, and I was wonderin’ how
many of you police folk can fit into one of your jail cells…
Officer
on duty: Why here in the big city, we
have big jail cells. Well, I bet we could fit the whole force into one cell. [to others] Let’s show him, boys!
Others: [manly agreement] Yeah, etc.
Super
Evil Guy: Oh boy!
[Officers cram into fake
imaginary cell]
Officer
on duty: See, what’d I tell you?
Super
Evil Guy: [slams door] Ha HA! I have fooled
you! I am really Super Evil Guy [dun dun
duuuunnnnn!], and now you have been neutralized! You followed my plan all
too well. [starts to walk away] Oh yes,
and don’t you use your keys to get out!
Officer:
Oh no! our only hope for escape, foiled!! Where’s Wonderful Man when we need
him?
Scene
5-1
Narrator:
As police are utterly neutralized, our hero is hard at work…
[traffic jam, people
crouched in imaginary cars, beeping]
Wonderful
Man: [leaps in
among them] No need to fear, Wonderful Man
is here! [directs
people in superheroy fashion, ad-libbing. Traffic starts to clear.]
Driver:
Oh no! I’m lost, however will I find my way to cult street?
Wonderful
Man: I know the way, I’ll save the day! [superhero stride of stage, in front of car]
Driver:
Oh, thank you, Wonderful Man, you are just so…[searches for word] …Wonderful!
Scene
cinq
Narrator:
Meanwhile…
Super
Evil Guy: Now, for the final step in my dastardly doings. But what weapon would
allow me to take over the city… and where shall I find it… Aha! The Metro City
Nuclear Weapons production facility and all night deli! And I have the perfect
plan… MUHAHAhahahaha… etc.
[Super Evil Guy enters
sales desk/deli bar]
Clerk/Sandwich
Guy: Oh no! Super Evil Guy [dun dun
duuuunnnnn!]
Super
Evil Guy: [Russian voice] No, no,
I am Boris! [clerk sighs with relief] I would
like small thermonuclear device and italian... with extra pickles.
Clerk: [Ringing into cash register] OK.. that’s one thermonuclear device [punches nuclear weapon
from memory] and one… [resorts to consulting
chart, and punches in the sandwich slowly] italian
with extra pickles. That comes to.. 2.8
million, 2 dollars and 95 cents. Will that be to go?
Super
Evil Guy: Oh yes, of course.
Clerk:
You do know there is a five day waiting period on most nuclear devices…
Super
Evil Guy: Oh please, I am in hurry, and I have the cash…
Clerk:
Well, OK, I’ll let it go this time, but only because my mother’s name was
Boris.
Super
Evil Guy: [taking out one bill] Here
you go. Keep the change.
Clerk: [hands Super Evil Guy
stuff, smiles] Thank you, Boris, and have a
good evening.
Super
Evil Guy: Ha HA, you have been duped by my clever disguise! I truly am Super
Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] and
now I can take over this city. And don’t you tell anyone about this.
Clerk: OH
NO! The city is doomed, and now I can do nothing to stop it! I wish Wonderful
Man was here!
Super
Evil Guy: [leaves and re-enters as clerk leaves] Now I have all I need to carry out my dastardly doings
tomorrow. [sees Anna] But before I rest for
the night, I think I shall thoroughly annoy that woman there. [approaches Anna, jumps in
front of her. Lady turns away, Super Evil Guy looks perplexed, jumps in front
of her and yells] Ha HA!
Anna:
Here’s a buck, go away.
Super
Evil Guy: [Pockets dollar] Do you
not know who I am? It is I… Super Evil Guy! [No dun dun duunnn!, but Super Evil Guy listens to
its absence, and again, with great force and presence] SUPER EVIL GUY! [again, no dun dun duuunnnn!]
Anna: [no recognition] Who?
Super
Evil Guy: [perplexed (feel free to ad-lib)] Wha…
buh… evil! I’m super… villain… eh… [almost pleadingly] people quake at my name! Time magazine’s super villain of
the year! I’m always on the news, look, I even have a thermonuclear device to
take over the city [still no reaction from her. Super Evil Guy pauses, then gives a
decisive look, pauses and shouts] BOO!
Anna: [shriek of absolute terror] Help
me! Can’t anyone help me!? [Super
Evil Guy has look of contentment]
[Lights down FAST on this half of stage, lights up FAST on other side of
the stage, where we see Wonderful Man]
Wonderful Man: Hark! From the
other side of the city, a damsel in distress, oh what a pity! [bounds off super heroly]
[Lights down on Wonderful Man’s side of the stage, and back up on Super
Evil Guy’s part of the stage]
Super Evil Guy: No one can help
you now!
[Enter Wonderful Man]
Wonderful Man: Here I come from
out of the blue, I am here to rescue you. Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!],
it had to be you!
Super Evil Guy: [French accent, shoots out hand to cover Anna’s mouth] Mais
non, I am Francois, come here from the la grande
Wonderful Man: So sorry,
Francois, I thought you were someone else.
Super Evil Guy: Oh but I
understand. Could I see your wallet? I am a wallet inspector.
Wonderful Man: Why certainly,
here you go.
Super Evil Guy: HA HA! My plans
always work so well! I am really Super
Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], and
now I shall use your voice to run up your credit card bills and cash your
checks, because everyone will think I am [examines license, does double take, takes third look to be sure] Corky
Verschnitzel? [giggles] Corky
Verschnitzel! [laughs
outright, Anna giggles, tries to cover]
Wonderful Man: YOU FIEND!
Super Evil Guy: [starts to recover from laughter]Yes! And
now that you are here, I can unmask my devilish plans! Tomorrow at 1:40, I have an appointment with
the mayor!
Wonderful Man: No, not Ed!
Super Evil Guy: Yes! And when I
am there I will pretend to be the president, and I will order Ed to give the
ownership of the city to me, Super Evil Guy! [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]
Wonderful Man: Ed will never
believe you! He won’t fall for your disguise!
Super Evil Guy: Ha HA! No-one can
see through my disguises! You people are
all such idiots! Even you believed me! [Wonderful Man cringes, defeatedly] But if
this is not enough, I have devised the most diabolical disguise ever! [takes out pair of glasses, Wonderful Man and Anna
cringe in fear] And even if he does see through this cunning disguise, I
will have this city yet! With me I have
a... THERMONUCLEAR BOMB which I will put in Ed’s office if he refuses, and blow
it up when I am safely away!
Wonderful Man: Ed won’t let you
get away! And he’ll call the police to disarm the bomb!
Super Evil Guy: You think I would
have overlooked such a trifling matter? I will tell Ed to stay in his office
until the bomb goes off! And as for the
police... They are all locked in jail! MUHAHAHAhahahahaaaa!
Wonderful Man: NO! You can’t!
Super Evil Guy: Who will stop me?
There are none who can prevent me from doing this! I will rule
Wonderful Man: [after pause of reflection] I will stop you!
Super Evil Guy: [caught completely off-guard, has not foreseen this] What?!
Wonderful Man: I will take your
bomb, and I will tell Ed’s secretary to cancel your appointment with the mayor!
Super Evil Guy: NO! [Wonderful Man advances on Super Evil Guy, and they
begin combat. during fight, someone stands below or behind them and raises
signs reading: ‘BIFF!’, ‘POW!’, ‘WHACK!’, etc. Each punch produces incredibly
unbelievable reactions.. Each time a punch is thrown, the person hit has short
delay, and reacts as though hit in the opposite direction, etc. Fight continues until Super Evil Guy is
defeated.]
Super Evil Guy: [cringing] DEFEATED! Curses, all my plans,
foiled! [runs off]
Anna: Oh thank you [sultry]
Wonderful Man: It’s all in a
day’s work, Mrs.. [eagerly] Miss?
Anna: Anna. Miss [all too assuringly] Anna Scent
Bystanda. Thank you once again.
[Wonderful Man swoops upon her, they make out cheesily (very staged)
loud smacking noises]
Anna: [coming up for air] Oh wonderful.. [as an afterthought] man! But… But what about
the bomb?
Wonderful Man: Ah yes, the bomb.
No need to fear, I shall disarm it, my darling dear! [picks up bomb, looks at it.] Hmm.
This large red button marked ‘Destruct’ should destroy the bomb.
[countdown begins from 10]
Anna: Oh, Wonderful Man, you’re
so smart! [kiss]
[Lights go out at countdown = 2. Lights go up on Narrator, who is
surprised at the sudden attention, but lapses back into eating, stay on him for
about ten seconds, while he is eating the italian sandwich with extra pickles.
(would be nice if narrator has a radiation suit) ]
Bork Bork Bork!
Finis