We Are The Cheeze
Our purple donkey
Super Evil Guy
Main character of the play, must be a dynamic actor, with ability to feign many accents.
Must be willing to wear a tutu. Very enthusiastic, your typical cheesy hero, complete with deep cheesy hero voice.
Anna Scent Bystanda
Lady, not easily impressed, except by Wonderful Man.
Reminiscent of Stan Lee from the old spider man and incredible hulk cartoons. Must appear on stage.
Buff, with lots of weapons and deranged look.
Preferably played by a large man with hairy legs in a skirt.
The type of person who would be married to a woman like old lady.
Officer on Duty
Joe Anyone, or even Jane.
McDonald’s at 3 am comes to mind.
Other officers (2 - 5)
Drivers (2 - 5)
Characters may be switched in and out as you please, in fact, they probably should be. All, except of course, Wonderful Man and Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuuun!].
weeks from Friday
This font is huge!
This font is not so huge.
This font is right out.
This font is right out.
This play is… well, cheesy, and we have fully intended it to be so. Please, feel free to take your liberties with it, so long as it smells like Roquefort. This play is a spoof on spoofiness, and we had fun with it.
This play also uses a lot of characters, but, since it is cheesy we felt it would be good to have the extras switch from part to part, making a need for at most, 15 total cast members, though do-able with 10.
Scene transitions should be from one half of the stage to the other, lights up on one, and down on the other to speed up run time. Set changes may occur in the darkened area while the lit area is active. The narrator should be lit from a corner of the stage by spotlight for all monologues, and eating. This may make for eye strain, but hell, it’s a cheesy play.
Narrator: Metro city, a city of peace, happiness and 24 hour disco bars.
All in the city is quiet tonight, except....
Super Evil Guy: [to himself] I must acquire capital to fund my dastardly doings, but how…. Where can I find enough?.… AHA! the Metro city bank, and I have the perfect plan! MUHAHAHAhahahaa….. etc.
Guard: OH NO! It’s Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] [guard enters combat mode]
Super Evil Guy: [In whiny “fingernails-on-chalkboard” voice] Wait, I’m not Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], I’m Lenny!
Guard: Oh, so sorry, Lenny, did anyone ever tell you you look kind of like Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]?
Super Evil Guy: No… do I really?
Guard: Yeah… Well, Lenny, the bank is closed, can I help you with something?
Super Evil Guy: Well, I was wondering if I could get into the vault?
Guard: [very gung-ho] Sure!!
Super Evil Guy: [evil voice, to audience] Just as I had planned!!!
Guard: All right, come with me, Lenny. [pantomimes opening doors, vault, etc.… they enter vault]
Super Evil Guy: [gets all, then, in villain voice] AHA!! You fool!!! I am really Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], MASTER of disguise, and now I have the money I need to fund my dastardly doings!
[Guard re-enters battle mode, Super Evil Guy advances on him, threatening viciously with finger! Guard cowers back.]
Guard: No… No please! No… don’t hurt me!! NO!!!! Oh, Wonderful Man, where are you!?!?! Oh no!
Super Evil Guy: Very well, I shall spare you, but soon, none shall be safe, from Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]. Now, drop to the floor, and count to pi! [Exits with a swoop, and a laugh]
focus] Elsewhere in
[fade to hero¸ and Old Lady. Old Lady is preferably a large man with hairy legs in old lady clothes (show the legs)]
Old Lady: [old lady voice] Oh, Wonderful Man, save my Peaches! Get him down from that [accusingly] awful, awful, tree!
[“tree” is in wings to avoid nasty prop…]
Wonderful Man: [super hero voice] Never fear, Old Lady, you will see, I shall pluck peaches from the tree. [exits to wing]
Old Lady: [ad-lib, backseat super-hero] Oh, oh, look out… a little more to the left, be careful! etc.…
Wonderful Man: Here Peaches [assorted cat calling sounds; Meow, Crash] etc.….
[Wonderful Man enters, bringing old man: Peaches, who is making cat noises, purring, meowing, pawing at Wonderful Man, etc.]
Old Lady: PEACHES!! Oh, THANK YOU, Wonderful Man! [hugs husband, “Peaches”]
Wonderful Man: All in a days work, ma’am. And you… [to peaches] shouldn’t go out on a limb like that, Peaches.
Peaches: [enthusiastic, 1950’s sitcom, happy to learn, Timmy and lassie ‘Timmy’ voice] OK Mr. Wonderful Man, I’ve learned my lesson!!! I’ll never climb into that tree at two in the morning ever again!!
Narrator: Later that night, after Peaches was safe and sound, Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] was at it again…
Super Evil Guy: [pondering evil voice] And now, before I can carry on with my dastardly doings, I must neutralize those who would stop me, but who… and how?… AHA! The Metro City Police Department, and I have the perfect plan! MUAHAHAHAHhahahah etc.…
[goes to police department, walks up to front desk]
Officer on duty: Super Evil Guy! [dun dun duuuunnnnn!; all other officers scramble around]
Super Evil Guy: [backwood-ish voice] Well shucks, I ain’t Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]! I’m Jimmy-Jo-Bob [pauses] Luke.
Officer on duty: Oh, Whew! I was worried for a second! How can I help you Jimmy-jo-Bob [pauses] Luke?
Super Evil Guy: Well shucks, I just got into the big city, and I was wonderin’ how many of you police folk can fit into one of your jail cells…
Officer on duty: Why here in the big city, we have big jail cells. Well, I bet we could fit the whole force into one cell. [to others] Let’s show him, boys!
Others: [manly agreement] Yeah, etc.
Super Evil Guy: Oh boy!
[Officers cram into fake imaginary cell]
Officer on duty: See, what’d I tell you?
Super Evil Guy: [slams door] Ha HA! I have fooled you! I am really Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], and now you have been neutralized! You followed my plan all too well. [starts to walk away] Oh yes, and don’t you use your keys to get out!
Officer: Oh no! our only hope for escape, foiled!! Where’s Wonderful Man when we need him?
Narrator: As police are utterly neutralized, our hero is hard at work…
[traffic jam, people crouched in imaginary cars, beeping]
Wonderful Man: [leaps in among them] No need to fear, Wonderful Man is here! [directs people in superheroy fashion, ad-libbing. Traffic starts to clear.]
Driver: Oh no! I’m lost, however will I find my way to cult street?
Wonderful Man: I know the way, I’ll save the day! [superhero stride of stage, in front of car]
Driver: Oh, thank you, Wonderful Man, you are just so…[searches for word] …Wonderful!
Super Evil Guy: Now, for the final step in my dastardly doings. But what weapon would allow me to take over the city… and where shall I find it… Aha! The Metro City Nuclear Weapons production facility and all night deli! And I have the perfect plan… MUHAHAhahahaha… etc.
[Super Evil Guy enters sales desk/deli bar]
Clerk/Sandwich Guy: Oh no! Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]
Super Evil Guy: [Russian voice] No, no, I am Boris! [clerk sighs with relief] I would like small thermonuclear device and italian... with extra pickles.
Clerk: [Ringing into cash register] OK.. that’s one thermonuclear device [punches nuclear weapon from memory] and one… [resorts to consulting chart, and punches in the sandwich slowly] italian with extra pickles. That comes to.. 2.8 million, 2 dollars and 95 cents. Will that be to go?
Super Evil Guy: Oh yes, of course.
Clerk: You do know there is a five day waiting period on most nuclear devices…
Super Evil Guy: Oh please, I am in hurry, and I have the cash…
Clerk: Well, OK, I’ll let it go this time, but only because my mother’s name was Boris.
Super Evil Guy: [taking out one bill] Here you go. Keep the change.
Clerk: [hands Super Evil Guy stuff, smiles] Thank you, Boris, and have a good evening.
Super Evil Guy: Ha HA, you have been duped by my clever disguise! I truly am Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!] and now I can take over this city. And don’t you tell anyone about this.
Clerk: OH NO! The city is doomed, and now I can do nothing to stop it! I wish Wonderful Man was here!
Super Evil Guy: [leaves and re-enters as clerk leaves] Now I have all I need to carry out my dastardly doings tomorrow. [sees Anna] But before I rest for the night, I think I shall thoroughly annoy that woman there. [approaches Anna, jumps in front of her. Lady turns away, Super Evil Guy looks perplexed, jumps in front of her and yells] Ha HA!
Anna: Here’s a buck, go away.
Super Evil Guy: [Pockets dollar] Do you not know who I am? It is I… Super Evil Guy! [No dun dun duunnn!, but Super Evil Guy listens to its absence, and again, with great force and presence] SUPER EVIL GUY! [again, no dun dun duuunnnn!]
Anna: [no recognition] Who?
Super Evil Guy: [perplexed (feel free to ad-lib)] Wha… buh… evil! I’m super… villain… eh… [almost pleadingly] people quake at my name! Time magazine’s super villain of the year! I’m always on the news, look, I even have a thermonuclear device to take over the city [still no reaction from her. Super Evil Guy pauses, then gives a decisive look, pauses and shouts] BOO!
Anna: [shriek of absolute terror] Help me! Can’t anyone help me!? [Super Evil Guy has look of contentment]
[Lights down FAST on this half of stage, lights up FAST on other side of the stage, where we see Wonderful Man]
Wonderful Man: Hark! From the other side of the city, a damsel in distress, oh what a pity! [bounds off super heroly]
[Lights down on Wonderful Man’s side of the stage, and back up on Super Evil Guy’s part of the stage]
Super Evil Guy: No one can help you now!
[Enter Wonderful Man]
Wonderful Man: Here I come from out of the blue, I am here to rescue you. Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], it had to be you!
Super Evil Guy: [French accent, shoots out hand to cover Anna’s mouth] Mais
non, I am Francois, come here from the la grande
Wonderful Man: So sorry, Francois, I thought you were someone else.
Super Evil Guy: Oh but I understand. Could I see your wallet? I am a wallet inspector.
Wonderful Man: Why certainly, here you go.
Super Evil Guy: HA HA! My plans always work so well! I am really Super Evil Guy [dun dun duuuunnnnn!], and now I shall use your voice to run up your credit card bills and cash your checks, because everyone will think I am [examines license, does double take, takes third look to be sure] Corky Verschnitzel? [giggles] Corky Verschnitzel! [laughs outright, Anna giggles, tries to cover]
Wonderful Man: YOU FIEND!
Super Evil Guy: [starts to recover from laughter]Yes! And now that you are here, I can unmask my devilish plans! Tomorrow at 1:40, I have an appointment with the mayor!
Wonderful Man: No, not Ed!
Super Evil Guy: Yes! And when I am there I will pretend to be the president, and I will order Ed to give the ownership of the city to me, Super Evil Guy! [dun dun duuuunnnnn!]
Wonderful Man: Ed will never believe you! He won’t fall for your disguise!
Super Evil Guy: Ha HA! No-one can see through my disguises! You people are all such idiots! Even you believed me! [Wonderful Man cringes, defeatedly] But if this is not enough, I have devised the most diabolical disguise ever! [takes out pair of glasses, Wonderful Man and Anna cringe in fear] And even if he does see through this cunning disguise, I will have this city yet! With me I have a... THERMONUCLEAR BOMB which I will put in Ed’s office if he refuses, and blow it up when I am safely away!
Wonderful Man: Ed won’t let you get away! And he’ll call the police to disarm the bomb!
Super Evil Guy: You think I would have overlooked such a trifling matter? I will tell Ed to stay in his office until the bomb goes off! And as for the police... They are all locked in jail! MUHAHAHAhahahahaaaa!
Wonderful Man: NO! You can’t!
Super Evil Guy: Who will stop me?
There are none who can prevent me from doing this! I will rule
Wonderful Man: [after pause of reflection] I will stop you!
Super Evil Guy: [caught completely off-guard, has not foreseen this] What?!
Wonderful Man: I will take your bomb, and I will tell Ed’s secretary to cancel your appointment with the mayor!
Super Evil Guy: NO! [Wonderful Man advances on Super Evil Guy, and they begin combat. during fight, someone stands below or behind them and raises signs reading: ‘BIFF!’, ‘POW!’, ‘WHACK!’, etc. Each punch produces incredibly unbelievable reactions.. Each time a punch is thrown, the person hit has short delay, and reacts as though hit in the opposite direction, etc. Fight continues until Super Evil Guy is defeated.]
Super Evil Guy: [cringing] DEFEATED! Curses, all my plans, foiled! [runs off]
Anna: Oh thank you [sultry]
Wonderful Man: It’s all in a day’s work, Mrs.. [eagerly] Miss?
Anna: Anna. Miss [all too assuringly] Anna Scent Bystanda. Thank you once again.
[Wonderful Man swoops upon her, they make out cheesily (very staged) loud smacking noises]
Anna: [coming up for air] Oh wonderful.. [as an afterthought] man! But… But what about the bomb?
Wonderful Man: Ah yes, the bomb. No need to fear, I shall disarm it, my darling dear! [picks up bomb, looks at it.] Hmm. This large red button marked ‘Destruct’ should destroy the bomb.
[countdown begins from 10]
Anna: Oh, Wonderful Man, you’re so smart! [kiss]
[Lights go out at countdown = 2. Lights go up on Narrator, who is surprised at the sudden attention, but lapses back into eating, stay on him for about ten seconds, while he is eating the italian sandwich with extra pickles. (would be nice if narrator has a radiation suit) ]
Bork Bork Bork!