A small bedroom, off to one side of the stage, out of view, should be dimly lit throughout the play.
Tracy: [sitting by bed] Did you remember to brush your teeth, dear?
Chris: [laying in bed, covers mouth guiltily, and nods head affirmatively] Mmm hmmm!
Tracy: Open up, let me see!
[Chris opens mouth, big hunks of gunk fall out of Chris’s mouth, like chewed up brownies or Oreo cookies]
Tracy: Now Chris, if you don’t clean your teeth, I won’t read you a bedtime story....
Chris: Aww, (mom/dad).... [grudgingly gets up and goes into wings to brush teeth]
Tracy: [calling offstage to Chris] What story would you like to hear tonight? [pauses, hears response from offstage, and is shocked] WHAT?! Where’d you hear about that?! That story is only for Mommies and Daddies who love each other very much. [pauses, and hears another response] Ted Koppel’s biography? We read that last night. [pauses] How about we read the tale of Hansen and Gretchen.
Chris: [re-entering] Aw, (mom/dad), that sounds like a kid’s story!
Tracy: Give it a chance, dear. Now let me see those teeth again.
Chris: [Shows teeth; teeth are covered in gunk, but nothing actually falls out] Seeeeee! [as if to prove the point]
Tracy: Much better, dear. [tucks in Chris in. Sits by the bed again, and prepares a book. The book is a large piece of folded cardboard, with the words "The Big Book of Cheesy Stories". Opens book and starts reading it.] "Hansen und Gretchen. Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived two children, Hansen and Gretchen. One day, their parents, being poor, sent them into the dark forest to find food. To make sure they didn’t get lost, Gretchen made a trail of bread crumbs behind them, leading all the way back to their house."
Tracy: [continuing the story] "However, as fate would have it, they soon became lost."
[During this introduction, lights come up on the main stage. Gretchen appears on stage first with a loaf of bread, throwing LARGE pieces, or whole slices behind her. Then from behind, we see Hansen following her, picking up each piece of bread, eating them, and stuffing them into his pockets]
Gretchen: Hansen! Hansen, what happened to the bread crumbs?
Hansen: [#13] Ich trinke Bier! [pulls out wad ‘o bread from his pocket, and shows it to Gretchen triumphantly]
Gretchen: [distraught] Oh Hansen!, whatever are we to do now?
Hansen: [#32] Ich denke, daB wir blankes tanzen sollten!
Gretchen: That’s your answer to everything! [sits down and starts to cry] Oh how will we ever find our way out of this evil, evil, evil forest.
Hansen: [#18] Es lebe die Demokratie! [starts to dance a jig happily]
Tracy: "But fortunately for Hansen and Gretchen, the King of the Fairies was not far away, and had heard Gretchen’s sobbing."
King of Fairies: [singing a little entrance song as he bounds in (rather flaming) ]
Make way for him through all the forest, and all the love he carries!
For is is Lord Benudo, Sovereign King of all the Fairies!
[appears on stage and eyes Hansen curiously] Shake my salamander, boy, what are you doing? That’s NO way to dance!
Hansen: [#38] Ich bin ein kleines Maedchen!
King of Fairies: I knew I’d like you!
Gretchen: Oh sir, will you please help my brother and I?
King of Fairies: I thought you’d never ask! [whisks Hansen into a sharp tango as he removes a rose from his costume and puts it in his mouth]
Hansen: [#33] Wo die, Fraven sind?
King of Fairies: [in mild disgust, as if offended] Ah! [stops dancing with Hansen]
Gretchen: No! No, sir, we don’t need to learn how to dance!
King of Fairies: Well, that’s a matter of opinion, honey!
Gretchen: No, we’re lost! We need to find our way out of the dark forest and go home!
King of Fairies: Oh, is that all? Well, here, take this medallion. It has the power to grant you three wishes! [gives the medallion to Hansen] But remember no to --
Hansen: [#41] [has eyes closed tightly, has apparently already made a wish. A loaf of bread flies at him from offstage, and he catches it. Then, triumphantly] Und ja! [holds out loaf to Gretchen proudly]
King of Fairies: [snatches medallion from Hansen] No, you impetuous German boy! You could have at least wished for a kielbasa! [gives medallion to Gretchen] Now, as I was saying, do not use your wishes frivolously; you’ve only got two left, now!
Gretchen: Oh, Benudo, how can we ever thank you?
King of Fairies: [looks at Hansen pensively, then stops] Nah... There’s no need for you to do that. Now you run along home, like good little children. Toodles! [bounds off]
Gretchen: Now, I wonder how this works [looking at medallion]
Hansen: [#29] [reaching out for the medallion eagerly] Andere hier nicht aufgefuhrte Biere und Brauereien sind auf eigenes Risiko zu trinken!
Gretchen: No! I’ll do it! [closes eyes tightly, blackout]
The dark castle of the Evil Sorcerer
Evil Sorcerer: [mulling about at a desk] It’s been a very bad season... very bad indeed.
Audience member: "how bad was it?"
Evil Sorcerer: [to audience member] Shut up! [back in focus] The taxes from the village people have been sparse this year. I think they have been withholding from me. I need to find out the truth.... [calling offstage] Happy!... Happy! [offstage, a smacking sound is heard, followed by the Happy Smacker going "woo hoo!"] Happy, stop torturing the prisoners and get in here at once! [Happy Smacker enters drearily into the room] Ah, good. Now, Happy, I have a special secret mission for you.
Happy Smacker: [happily, in awe] Ooooooo!
Evil Sorcerer: I think the village people have been withholding money from me. I need you to go into the village and see what they have there. You’ll have to go in cognito so no-one will recognize you. [Happy Smacker clearly does not what ‘in cognito’ means] ... In disguise [Happy Smacker is still bewildered]... Oh, just wear this! [hands Happy Smacker a Groucho Marx glasses]
Happy Smacker: [finally understands] Oooooohhhh!
Evil Sorcerer: Now... THIS time, don’t go around smacking the village people, or you’ll be noticed!
Happy Smacker: [sad] Awww.....
Evil Sorcerer: Now go! And bring me back any information which I might find useful...
Happy Smacker: Oooo! [motions Evil Sorcerer to come closer to Happy Smacker. Happy Smacker suddenly smacks Evil Sorcerer across the face. very happy:] Woo Hoo! [Happy Smacker jumps in the air as he says this, and turns around and runs out of the room, very happy]
Evil Sorcerer: Somehow, I get the feeling that that was a bad idea...
Audience member: How bad was it?
Evil Sorcerer: [Grunts in disgust, throws paper at audience, and stamps offstage]
In the village
[People are milling about, Happy Smacker is in disguise among them. He keeps walking up to people and ALMOST smacking them. Eventually, it is too much of a temptation, and he smacks someone and stifles a triumphant ‘woo hoo!’ Then all of a sudden, Hansen and Gretchen appear magically. Townspeople gasp in awe, disregarding the Happy Smacker]
Villager 1: Hansen! Gretchen! By what means have you come here?!
Hansen: [#40] Mein Handy hat keinen Geldrueckgabeknopf. [Everyone looks strangely at him]
Gretchen: He says: ‘We used the Fairy King’s magic medallion to get back! And we still have one wish left, see? [shows medallion off to crowd]
Villager 2: [snatching it away] This is very dangerous! The Fairy King is powerful, we must let the entire village decide the fate of htis medallion. Gather the village people! (The song YMCA starts playing, and everyone stands up after a second, when the song is clearly recognizable) NO! Not THOSE village people! The people of the village!
Village people: [understanding] Oooohhh!
Tracy: And so, the village council met and decided that the wish would ve used to benefit the village. But since they were all addlebrained polititians, no wish could be decided upon. They decided to keep it in the town hut until a suitable wish could be decided upon. But late that night...
In the village hut
[Guard is standing guard outside the village hut. Happy Smacker sneaks up on the guard in plain view of the guard, acting very stealthy. The guard just looks at the Happy Smacker, and does nothing about him. The Happy Smacker approaches the guard, looks around, and then smacks the guard, rendering the guard unconscious. The Happy Smacker turns toward the audience, and whispers ‘woo hoo!’ He sneaks into the hut, and steals the medallion, going ‘shhh!’ to the audience. He then tippey toes out of the hut. The guard groggily gets back up, and continues to guard, completely ignoring the fact that the Happy Smacker has just smacked him and stolen the medallion.
In the village
[villagers are panicking, muffled sounds of confusion "what are we to do?", "Smacked, that’s right!", "The medallion is gone!", "No, I don’t know where the bread came from", "...Happy Smacker...Evil Sorcerer...", etc., etc., etc.
Villagers: What’ll we do, what’ll we do? (etc)
Villager 1: [quieting everyone] We must send someone to the castle to retrieve the medallion!
Villagers: Yeah!... That’s right... But who? (etc.)
Villager 1: Why, the very two who brought it among us in the first place! Hansen und Gretchen!
Hansen: [#7] Wir Werden gelobt Werden!
Gretchen: [consenting] Very well, we will do what must be done.
Hansen: [#42] Ich bin ein berliner!
Gretchen: He says: You are all foolish cowards!
Villager 1: [almost proud] That may be... [suddenly taunting] but YOU still have to goooo!
Villagers: [chiming in] Neener neener neener! Hah hah! (etc.)
Villager 2: But wait! How will we get them into the castle? Only guards may enter or leave.
Villager 1: Then we will have to disguise them as guards. [pause] Call the village Taylor! [someone runns offstage to get the village Taylor]
Villagers: Yes, the Taylor!, The tailor?, No, the Taylor!, He will help!,(etc) [Village Taylor is brought in, looking confused. He has tremendous white beard]
Taylor: Yes, what is it?
Villager 1: The Evil Sorcerer has stolen the Fairy King’s medallion of power!
Taylor: What do pretty flowers have to do with me?
Villager 1: No, medallion of POWER! The Evil Sorcerer has it, and we need it back! We need you to make guards uniforms to sneak these two children into the castle.
Taylor: Oh, yes, I see.... [starts to stroke beard in thought, reminiscing. Takes his time through this, as villagers start to yawn and roll their eyes at the story] This reminds me of when I was a boy. Back then Evil Sorcerers were much harder to come by. They were also much less powerful, and were much bigger. They took up way too much space. In fact, we couldn’t do too much with them, either. Why, I remember the only thing we could do with them was to --
Villager 1: Yes, yes, we know, we know. The point is can you make uss two guards outfits?
Taylor: [breaking his train of thought] Oh? Oh! Yes, that’ll be easy. I can do that, no problem. Not like in the old days. Why, when I was a boy, I could never have done it so easily. You see.... [trails off as he is escorted off stage at the direction of Villager 1]
Villager 1: [back to Hansen und Gretchen] You will go tomorrow! I wish you luck!
Hansen: [#37] Ich kann, wie ein Holzfaeller die ganze Nacht gehen!
Gretchen: You said it, Hansen!
In the evil castle of the Evil Sorcerer
Tracy: The village Taylor, after much prodding, finished the outfits that night, and Hansen und Gretchen prepared for their ordeal.
Evil Sorcerer: [deep in thought at his desk] Hm.... My Happy Smacker has not returned yet. This could be bad...
Audience member: How bad could it be?
Evil Sorcerer: [to audience member] STOP THAT! [disheveled, but back to his business] Besides, I think I hear him now... [another smacking sound is heard offstage, followed by yet another ‘woo hoo!’ Happy Smacker enters with medallion behind his back, looking very happy] Happy! You’ve returned... Tell me, what have you found?
Happy Smacker: [suddenly reveals medallion proudly] Ooooo! [very excited]
Evil Sorcerer: [In awe, as he takes the medallion] The Fairy King’s medallian! However did you get this?
Happy Smacker: [beckons Evil Sorcerer closer with a finger, as if to tell him the secret, with TREMENDOUSLY mischevious smile on his face. Evil Sorcerer comes closer to the Happy Smacker, and as soon as he is in range, the Happy Smacker smacks the Evil Sorcerer across the face, jumps] WOO HOO! [runs around the room in small circles, very excited]
Evil Sorcerer: [reaches for Happy Smacker, and draws him by the neck / collar so that he is face to face with the Happy Smacker, very serious and foreboding] Don’t you EVER do that again. Do you -- [gets smacked again]
Happy Smacker: [jumps up even more happy] WOO HOO! [runs around the room again in frantic happiness]
Evil Sorcerer: [stifles his anger] Well, never mind how you got it. How many wishes are left on it? [Happy Smacker stops running, looks at Evil Sorcerer, and beckons him closer again with single finger, still very excited with the same mischevious smile. Evil Sorcerer just looks at the Happy Smacker calmly angry] No.
Happy Smacker: [dissappointed] Awww.... [sad, raises 1 finger in the air]
Evil Sorcerer: Only one wish left? It’s of no matter. As long as there is a single wish left, I may yet discover the secret of the medallion, and become an all powerful wizard!
Happy Smacker: [mocking him sarcastically] Ooooooo!
Evil Sorcerer: Don’t make me come over there!
Happy Smacker: [mocking him even more, pretending to be scared] Oooooo!
Evil Sorcerer: That does it! [walks over to Happy Smacker, and is immediately smacked to his complete surprize]
Happy Smacker: [jumps, VERY happy with himself, almost daffy duckish] WOO HOO! [runs offstage, as we hear offstage smacks and ‘woo hoo’s]
Evil Sorcerer: [In utter rage] Why that --! I wish that he would -- [realizes what he has just said, and sees medallion in hand, catches himself just in time] D’oh! That was close! I almost did a very bad thing!
Audience member: How bad would it have been?
Evil Sorcerer: [trembles with anger and disgust, but says nothing]... Now... I must study this medallion, and learn its secrets... [sits very seriously at table, eyeing the medallion. Touches it, then looks at it closely. Proding it more as it reveals little about itself, he draws it to his ear, then to his nose as he sniffs it. Maybe even tastes it. Pokes self in eye with it] ow! [as if by accident, he pokes himself again] ow! [and again] ow! [etc. with newfound pain each time. Finally frustrated] I can’t think on an empty stomach! I’ll go make some brownies... [goes offstage]
Outside the evil castle
[Hansen und Gretchen enter, Guard 1 is already onstage. Hansen und Gretchen are dressed in completely unconvincing guard attire, like just a brown shirt or something]
Hansen: [#28] Die in diesen Dokument enthaltenen Biere Konnen ohne Angabe von Gruuden get runken werden!
Gretchen: [whispering] Now we have to get by the guards. Act casual!
Hansen: [#41] Und ja! [starts to dance]
Guard 1: Halt! Who goes there?
Gretchen: [to Hansen] Let me do the talking.
Hansen: [#27] [almost interrupting Gretchen, talking to guard] Haben sie noch ein Zimmer frei?
Gretchen: [smacks self in head, then angrily at Hansen] No! [Stammers at his idiocy]
Guard 1: [slightly confused] Are you new here?
Hansen: [#22] Bei mir sprict man deutsch.
Guard 1: [less confused] Oh, ok! [to Gretchen] And how about you?
Gretchen: [suddenly nervous about what to say. Then, cautiously] ...und ja?
Guard 1: Oh! Right then. What’s the password?
Hansen: [#19] Ich stehe vor der Tur!
Guard 1: Oh, really? They must have changed it on me! It used to be ‘open sesame’. Oh well, you guys are newer than I am, so you must be right... C’mon in! [Hansen und Gretchen enter the castle, Gretchen is still bewildered at their luck]
Guard 2: [approaches main gate, waves cherrily to other guard] Hey, Hank!
Guard 1: Hiya Chuck!
Guard 2: Time to call it a night...
Guard 1: Right, you know the drill... ‘what’s the password?’
Guard 2: Yeah, yeah... ‘open sesame’. [starting to walk forward, Guard 1 stops him]
Guard 1: Ahh ahh aaahhh! Where do you think you’re going?
Guard 2: [slightly annoyed] Inside! I gave you the password!
Guard 1: Nope! That’s the old password!
Guard 2: [surprised] WHAT?
Kitchen of the Evil Sorcerer
[Evil Sorcerer is in the kitchen already, bent over stove, with baking supplies, has medallion with him]
Tracy: Hansen and Gretchen easily made their way through the evil castle in their spiffy guard outfits, unnoticed, saying ‘und ja!’ to all they encountered in the castle. Finally, they made their way to the Evil Sorcerer’s kitchen, where the Evil Sorcerer was baking...
[Evil Sorcerer is humming the swedish chef song, maybe even throwing food slightly around, if it fits. He periodically examines the medallion, poking self with it, etc. Hansen and Gretchen enter, sneaking in. They approach the table, where the medallion is. Gretchen looks at Hansen, and motions him to be quiet as she sneaks up on the table and tries to steal the medallion.]
Hansen: [#25] Herzlichen Gluckwunsch!
Evil Sorcerer: [startled considerably, realizes what is going on, and snatches the medallion before Gretchen can grab it. He then taunts Hansen und Gretchen with the medallion] Ah ah aaahhh! You are bad little children! --
Audience member: How bad are they?
Evil Sorcerer: [In utter appopleptic hysteria, can take it no longer] RIGHT! Who is that? YOU! YES, YOU! YOU STARTED this! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an evil sorcerer in this day and age, even WITHOUT hecklers? NO! Obviously not! Do you even know how much time goes into making people fear for their lives, and draining them of all their money and goods? Not even considering my competition! Do you know how many other evil sorcerers there are out there? Always offering LESS torture, more.. festivals, not even taking into account the lower taxes that they have! And now YOU expect me to deal with all this, and hecklers too?!... AND ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY! Maybe the first few times it was amusing, but it’s the SAME THING, over and over and over and over again, and it never changes! TRY SOMETHING ELSE FOR A CHANGE! Do you understand me??? [pauses, waiting for response] ... Thats good! [turns back to scene, is about to start back to it]
Audience member: How good is it?
[Evil Sorcerer Does something violent, and approaches audience even more angry, is about to unload another spiel at them]
Gretchen: [to Evil Sorcerer] AHEM!
Evil Sorcerer: [dissappointed, still furious] Fine. [points at audience] I’ll deal with YOU later!
Gretchen: Give me that medallion!
Evil Sorcerer: No! [taunts Hansen und Gretchen again. Hansen und Gretchen start to chase after the Evil Sorcerer, running him around the table, running in circles. Hansen is very amused, and is hardly concered with catching the Evil Sorcerer]
Hansen: [#1] [having gobs of fun] Ich sehe dich! Ich sehe dich!
Evil Sorcerer: [Finally stops opposite Hansen und Gretchen, next to stove. Hansen continues running, having too much fun to stop, around the room, not necessarily towards anything in particular, just having fun. Evil Sorcerer looks puzzling at Hansen, but then comes back, holding up the medallion] Uh! Don’t come any closer, or I’ll make the medallion dissappear where you’ll never find it! [a tight moment, Gretchen suddenly makes a grab for it. Evil Sorcerer suddenly points behind Gretchen] Ooo! Look at that! [Gretchen turns, and Evil Sorcerer throws the amulet down, then pretends he has just cast a magic spell] Abracadabra! Oh! It’s GONE! [taunting yet again] neener neener neeeeener!
Gretchen: You evil, EVIL, EVIL man! You’ll never get -- [starts sniffing] What’s that smell? Is something burning?
Evil Sorcerer: My brownies! [opens oven, and looks inside. Hansen, who has been running around all this time, bumps into Evil Sorcerer, knocking him into the oven] AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa!
Hansen: [#43] Oopsie! [surprized at himself. Shuts oven if shuttable]
Gretchen: Well, Hansen, we lost the medallion, but the Evil Sorcerer is dead. And now our village may prosper without him. Maybe it is best this way. After all, what better wish could we have made than to live in peace at last?
Hansen: I don’t know, sis. I coulda gone for a big pile of gold and some beautiful maidens, myself.
Gretchen: [#9] Und ja... Willst du nach Hause gehen?
Hansen: Yeah, lets get outta here, our work is done. [exits with Gretchen]
[Nothing happens for a moment, then, suddenly, the Happy Smacker appears onstage.]
Happy Smacker: [opens oven curiously] Oooo! [takes out a brownie, and eats it] Mmmmm! [is about to leave, then he sees the medallion on the floor. He looks around curiously, picks up the medallion, and shuts eyes tightly. Blackout]
In the village
[Hansen, Gretchen, Village people, etc, are seen running across the stage, shouting "run for your life", "help!", "it’s coming right for us", etc. Happy Smacker appears chasing after them with a big ass hand, that is made out of foam or cardboard or something. He chases them offstage (if they’re not already off). Big ass smack sound is heard, more screams, and a giant ‘WOO HOO!’ from the Happy Smacker.]
Tracy: And the Happy Smacker lived happily ever after... THE END.