We Are the Cheeze III

Sex Sells

By

Dave Eaton (Undergrad at WPI)

Anthony Ball (Undergrad at WPI)

and our Purple Donkey (Fictitious character)

Ó 1999

Sex Sells:

Cast of Karachteurs:

Daukter Schlong - A formost analyst of sex and its effect on the marketplace. Heavy accent, but it doesn’t matter particularly what kind… German works. Basically rather goofy and forgetful, but highly entertaining. Brings to mind Professor Wackenbush from "A Midsemester’s Night’s Time Travel", NV16.

Probably cast of 2 additional women, and 2 additional men. Must be willing to be partially nude on stage and act out semi-lewd scenes. All right, just plain lewd.

Act I

Scene I

[the set needs almost nothing, it just needs be plain. There are two large, maybe 6 foot high poles across the center of the stage, initially just sitting there. Lighting should be set so that the stage can be lit in two halves, and a third area for Daukter Schlong, who can stand wherever – center stage, far left, or far right… director’s choice.]

[Intro music is heard. An attractive couple comes onstage, carrying out a large sign (probably on a bed sheet or other large piece of fabric) with "SEX" written in huge letters. The couple affixes the sign to the two posts, ensures they are secure. They give each other a look, then retreat behind the sign. Suddenly their clothes are seen flying out from behind the sign; perhaps passionate noises are heard. Daukter Schlong enters, holding a classroom pointer. He approaches the sign, and uses the pointer to point at it.]

Schlong: SEX! This is the topic I am here to discuss with you. My name is Daukter Schlong, and I am here to illustrate – [couple behind sign makes louder noise, Schlong turns around to look for a brief moment] I am here to illustrate how sex – [looks towards couple again] how sex effects you, [looks again toward couple] How sex – [Couple behind sign is now becoming increasingly and quite disruptively loud. Schlong tries to peer around the sign, but realizes he is still mid-sentence] How sex effects you, the consumer. [BIG noise is heard from behind sign, Schlong realizes it is no use trying to ignore it any more.] It seems that my attention grabber is grabbing my own attention! [He goes to the sign’s bottom, as though to lift it up, and turns to the audience, still holding the sign] Ya?

[Schlong waits a moment, obviously cannot resist, and lifts sign up, revealing the couple (wearing underwear only), who are momentarily too busy to notice that their cover has been lifted. Schlong looks at them for a few moments, nodding approvingly.]

Schlong: [to couple] Ok, you two, I think we’ve got their attention. [Couple looks up surprised, girl shrieks, runs offstage, guy runs after girl] You see? By showing you just a little bit of sex, I have already gotten your complete attention. And now you will gladly sit and listen to whatever it is I have to say, in the hopes that maybe you will se some more sex in the course of this lecture. Well, I hate to disappoint you all… so I won’t. Not only will I explain how to use sex, but I will show you numerous examples, too. Let’s not waste any time, shall we?

Schlong: Now, I will need your assistance. I would like you all to watch these two commercials I have prepared, and tell me, objectively, which brand of cigarettes you would probably buy. [presenting commercials] Brand one!

[A woman dressed conservatively enters stage left. She gets out a cigarette box, removes a cigarette, lights it, and takes a drag]

Woman: (smiling stupidly) Now that’s a good cigarette! [she freezes]

Schlong: Brand two!

[Loud, gyrating music starts playing, lights flash, another woman, wearing a bikini / underwear / scantily clad whatever, and shakes booty stage right, where she proceeds to present two open packs of cigarettes [or more] and dumps them over her head. The cigarettes shower over her, and she acts as though wrought with pleasure. After a moment, the lights and music return to normal, and the two women proceed offstage.]

Schlong: Now, objectively, which brand would you be more likely to buy? Brand 1? (waits for response from audience) Brand 2? (response)

[IF BRAND 1 IS CHOSEN]

Schlong: Aw, you’re just afraid to admit it! I think you could easily show that brand 2 would win in a marketing war, ya?

[IF BRAND 2 IS CHOSEN]

Schlong: You see, my point has been proven.

Schlong: And what is the difference between these commercials? SEX! Of course, this style of ad is not restricted only to cigarettes. It could be implemented with many different products with little or no changes.

Schlong: However, not all approaches are as straightforward as this. The consumer may be tricked. For example, would you like to watch a French Tickler in action? Ya? I know you would! Right! [calling offstage] Oh Francois!

[A little french guy, wearing a little chapeau or whatever runs across the stage chasing a the scanitly clad woman. The french guy continues across the stage making the stereotypical french accent noise "Ohn hon hon!" and perhaps "Koo-chee-koo-chee-koo!"]

Schlong: [has nearly doubled over with laughter at his own joke.] I love that joke! You know, in my country, they still don’t get it. Of course, maybe that’s because in my country, "French Tickler" is a variety of potato. Then again, in my country, "Schlong" (gesturing to self) means "stepstool".

Schlong: Ya, if I might go off the topic just a little longer [reminicing]… you may ask how did I end up with the name ‘Schlong’ to begin with? Well, I’m glad you may have asked that! You see, when I was just a little Schlong, barely able to keep up with my six sisters, we were forced to leave our country. Apparently, our leader, Lord Bucket, had unknowingly insulted the Pope, which led to Vatican City declaring war on us. Since we had no chance of victory against such a gargantuan country, we ran away. This so much surprised the Vatican scout, who was actually able to conquer our entire country single handedly, seeing as the only thing left to fight was Lord Bucket’s dumb old donkey, ‘pope’. Once the Pope realized that this donkey was the source of Lord Bucket’s unfortunate remark "Pope is just a stupid ass", he sent us all very nice ‘Sorry for conquering your country’ cards from Hallmark™.

Schlong: So, anyway, we decided first to go to China, but their country was too full, they said… laughing… and offered to send us to America! We were overjoyed! Not only was America the land of opportunity, but they had plenty of room for a family of 12! They loved us at Ellis Island. They said that usually, people entering the country need their names "Americanized", but our names were just perfect already! Then they called in the whole staff to meet us and laugh at our good fortune! We were all very surprised at the American custom of pointing when laughing, but we were happy to embrace these new customs!

Schlong: But anyway, what was the point I was making? Oh yes! The consumer may be tricked, such was my French Tickler example… [the French Guy and Bikini girl run across stage again] The consumer must be careful.

Schlong: Of course, much of this has been exclusively for the male audience. However, women may also be sold on sex. Take for example our next commercial targeting women to buy shirts for a significant other… Brand one!

[A man comes out, dressed nicely, straightening and smoothing shirt, poses handsomely.]

Schlong: Brand two!

[again with the flashing lights, and music, as man comes out, as though strip dancing, and begins to remove his shirt, however, it is not fully off when the lights go back to normal, and music dies down. Guy freezes]

Schlong: Now aside from the obvious, there is one more thing I would like to point out. You see brand two has a second subliminal message. You see, women, you may be more inclined to buy this shirt seeing as it is "half off"! [laughs to self, then at audience, pointing at them. Men un-freeze, go off stage] Now ladies, which one would rather buy? Brand 1? (waits for response) Brand 2? (waits for response)

[IF BRAND 1 IS CHOSEN]

Schlong: Well, we’ll just see which brand is sold out first at the store, shall we?

[IF BRAND 2 IS CHOSEN]

Schlong: Ach ha! You see? I was right again.

Schlong: Now we have not seen all that sex can do for advertising, we have only seen the tip of the proverbial… iceberg. I have compiled all of my findings in my new book, featuring all of my essays… and illustrations! …Most of which I found on the internet… Actually, I think my book is the first to have 52 centerfolds. And now I leave you with one last example of how sex can sell. [Girl and guy come out nicely dressed, holding a book.]

Schlong: This is my competitor’s book, Sexuality in the Marketplace, which sells at $5.95. [Another Girl and guy come out. The guy is wearing perhaps only boxer shorts, while the woman wears only a bikini bottom, and holds two books over her chest appropriately.]

Schlong: This is my book, which I named using a naming scheme that I found on many web pages on the internet that I researched entitled: Sex Sex Sex Blond Orgy WindowsNT Vibrator Game Lezbians in Marketing. This also sells for $5.95. Now which book would you rather buy? Not only do I think you would buy my book, [gesturing to his books] but I think I could sell you both of these books right now! Would anyone like to buy this book right here? Only $5.95!

Audience Member: (is sitting right up near Schlong) RIGHT HERE! (waves six dollars above his head)

Schlong: Well, that was fast! [Reaches down, takes money, pockets it, then goes to girl. As he takes one of the two books, she opens up the second book so that it remains covering herself. Schlong hands the book off to the audience member]

Schlong: Now this next book is very special to me… I’ve even signed it. [thinks twice, realizes he has not signed it, takes a pen, goes over to book, and signs its open page. As he is retreating to his regular position, he tucks a finger behind the book, and takes a quick peek behind it. Then, to the girl] I’ll sign you later! [Back to position, then to audience] I don’t think I could let this book go for less than… ten dollars. Do I hear ten dollars? [tries to get audience to buy]

[IF AUDIENCE ACTUALLY BUYS BOOK]

Schlong: [suddenly turns into an auction] Do I hear fifteen? Twenty? [etc., until book is bought.] Once, twice, SOLD! To the horny guy over there! [gets money from guy (presumably it’s a guy, but knowing masque crowds, well, ?] Thank you, sir. [goes to girl, takes final book, and proffers to audience member.]

[IF AUDIENCE DOESN’T BUY BOOK]

Schlong: [sighs] Oh well….

Schlong: Ok, bunny, you can go now. [All others exit] Well, I would like to thank you all for attending my seminar, please rember to buy my book, you can find it behind the counter of your local bookstore. Ask for it by name! Thank you all. Good night! [Exits]

FINIS