We Are the Cheeze III

Sequels Suck

By

Dave Eaton (Undergrad at WPI)

Anthony Ball (Undergrad at WPI)

Bill Shakespeare (WPI Community member)

and our ever inspirational Purple Donkey (Fictitious character)

Ó 1999

We Are the Cheeze III: Sequels Suck

Dramatis Impersonae

Super Evil Guy – A carryover from "We Are the Cheeze" (the original) – a classic comic book evil character, cheezily overdone. He is a master of disguise who is able to shield his identity using only a different accent. Actually, he’s just a smarter idiot than all the other idiots in the play, which isn’t saying much for him, but it says even less for the other roles. Oh yeah, whenever his name is spoken, he has the wondrous quality of having someone, somewhere, from places yet unknown, say "Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" very dramatically. It’s awe inspiring in a stupid sort of way.

Evil Scientist – Basically Super Evil Guy, minus the accent changes. Evil character who plans to take over the universe and will use any methods necessary to get it. Can be pretty babyish if he doesn’t get his way.

Evil Scientist’s Assistant – Very nerdy looking Star Trek watching Monty Python memorizing guy who assists the Evil Scientist.

Johnny Lightspeed – Hey, do you really need a character description with a name like Johnny Lightspeed? Ok, fine, he’s the hero… but not quite the brightest one in the universe. But he’s pretty damn egotistical, flamboyant, and courageous, despite is patheticness. Currently, he’s working at Alpha Station 9 as a busboy.

Furby – Johnny Lightspeed’s sidekick. Actually, he’s not really a sidekick. Johnny dropped some popcorn one day, and Furby just ended up following Johnny around, in the hopes that Johnny might drop some more food later on in the future. If you know about those ‘FurbyÔ ’ toys, you know Furby’s character. He’s annoying, and just repeats anything he hears. Plus, he’s inanely happy.

Klingon – Basic klingon from Star Trek. His solution to everything, math and chemistry included, is to chop whatever the problem is in half, or quarters, or even 50^ths if need be, with his batleth (big klingon weapon).

Dignitaries – We’ll need at least one main dignitary in charge, and a few others. At least one dignitary has to be female, but most should be male. Why? You’ll see. Actually, I think most of all these roles could be cross-cast. Johnny Lightspeed, no. Super Evil Guy, no. But pretty much anyone else can be male or female.

Reporter – Stupid reporter. Is eager to get the best scoop possible, and would have thrown all morals out the window if he actually knew what morals were, but alas, when asked, said "Morals? Huh? What’re those? Some sorta cocktail?"

Police – Do we really need designated police? I dunno. Bring a few dignitaries that didn’t have too many lines and throw ‘em in as police for the last scene. They don’t hafta say anything anyway. In fact, double cast as much as safely possible. We’ll probably need a cameraman for the reporter, you can double cast that part too.

About this play: It’s cheesy. It’s meant that way. If you’re the director and you have a funny, cheesy idea to throw in, go for it.

And now, without further ado, we invite you to find out why: Sequels Suck.

Scene One

[the Evil Scientist’s spaceship. The Evil Scientist and his assistant are talking]

Evil Scientist: HaHA! I have finally found it! After years of research and excavation!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Found what?

Evil Scientist: This, you fool! [presents test tube victoriously] A DNA sample from ancient Earth, of a human of such cunning, such intelligence, that with him on my side, nothing will stand between me and the galaxy!!!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [intrigued] Oh? Who was he? Ghengis Khan? [more anxious] Alexander the Great? [even more] Napoleon? [yet even more] William Gates the Third? [most anxious ever] Svendu the Horrific?

Evil Scientist: No! Someone much more dastardly than those paltry fools! A MASTER of disguise, the most horrendously evil and brilliant mind ever! I’m referring to none other than… SUPER EVIL GUY! [Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUN!]

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [obviously has never heard of Super Evil Guy] Who?

Evil Scientist: He was a brilliant villain. Only caught by his arch-nemesis… Wonderful Man!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Such a man was able to defeat the most accomplished evil being ever to exist? Imagine… two such great warriors with equally brilliant minds existing at the same time in history!

Evil Scientist: [disappointedly] Actually… no. Wonderful man was really just a blundering idiot who went trotting around in a tutu. It was only by pure luck that he defeated Super Evil Guy [Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!] and quite incidentally destroyed the entire city he was defending! But now, I shall resurrect this fallen testament to evil, and employ his magnificent guile to take over the universe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Wait… why would he help you?

Evil Scientist: [taken aback] Uh… [thinks for a second] Oh shut up! [slight pause] HE will be able to come up with a good reason why he should help me!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Oh… right.

Evil Scientist: Now! Go and prepare a room for our soon to be guest!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [gets up and goes] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [exits]

Evil Scientist: And now… the moment I’ve been waiting for all these years! To clone the greatest criminal mind ever! [He goes to a large machine, and places the test tube inside. He pushes buttons on the side, and waits. The machine sounds like a chipper microwave. Each beep is polite in nature, and when he is done pressing buttons, a busily heating microwave sound is heard, followed some 10 seconds later by yet another pleasant ‘ding!’ sound, indicating that it is done.] And now, the culmination of evil such has never been known before in this universe, as the two greatest evil minds in all creation meet face to face!!!!!! [Super Evil Guy emerges from the machine, complete with costume.] AT LAST! SUPER EVIL GUY! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!]

Super Evil Guy: [At first, confused to his surroundings, but then, realizing what has happened, decides to disguise himself using an Indian accent] Oh most gracious and humble sir! I am not Super Evil Guy [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN]. I am Oomboomoh, a simple night janitor, here to mop your floors and sweep your stairs.

Evil Scientist: [utterly confused as to what happened to Super Evil Guy] What?! But… Wha… where is… [continues to blubber]

Super Evil Guy: [realizes his disguise is working, gives knowing look to audience, winking at them, continues his Indian accent] Excuse me sir, but how might I be finding the nearest pod of escaping?

Evil Scientist: [stops blubbering to answer the question, but still dazed] Oh, sorry Oomboomoh, the escape pods are four doors down that hallway, on the left hand side… just press the red button.

Super Evil Guy: A thousand blessings upon your family, sir! [exits with swoop]

Evil Scientist: [babbles, and makes motions with his hands, retracing his steps] If he… but no… but where?… (etc.)

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [entering, looking over shoulder down the hallway at Super Evil Guy] Who was that in the hallway?

Evil Scientist: [still confused] Oh, that was just the night janitor.

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [Slowly, explaining to Evil Scientist] But… we don’t have a night janitor. In fact, we’re the only ones on this ship…

Evil Scientist: Huh? But who? [begins to figure it out] Then that! But he must have been! He was…. SUPER EVIL GUY! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN]

Super Evil Guy: [from offstage] SUCKERS! [Woosh is heard as Super Evil Guy’s escape pod launches]

Evil Scientist: And I led him straight to the escape pods!!!!! DAMN! [short incredulous pause] Wow… [in amazement at Super Evil Guy’s billiance] he is good! [Realizing his mistake] Some powers in this univers should not be trifled with! But alas! My plans for conquering the galaxy have failed! What shall I do now? [begins to whimper] Momma always said I should just become a lawyer or a politician like all the other evil children… but NO, I had to be the overacheiver… I had to take over the universe, and how I’ve failed! [falls to floor, on the point of tears, curls up] I want my momma!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [Feeling sorry for him, trying to cheer him up] Well… there’s always the Intergalactic leader’s confrence on Alpha Station Nine!

Evil Scientist: [still whiney, but listening] No!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Oh, come on… All the big leaders of the galaxy will be there!

Evil Scientist: [brightening] They will?

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: [coaxing] And more…

Evil Scientist: How long till it starts?

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: Just 10 days…

Evil Scientist: [gets up, recovers from embarrassment, jumps into evil mode] We’ve got to start planning then! TO THE PLANNING ROOM!

Evil Scientist’s Assistant: You mean right here?

Evil Scientist: Yes. Oh shut up!

[lights down]

Scene Two

[Alpha Station Nine, the head conference room. Johnny Lightspeed & Furby are greeting dignitaries at the door, and taking their invitations. Various Dignitaries are further in the room, all eating dinner, or whatever. The last of the dignitaries is seen entering the room, getting his ticket taken by Johnny Lightspeed, and then Super Evil Guy shows up at the door.]

Johnny Lightspeed: Good evening, sir, who might you be?

Super Evil Guy: [British accent, stuffily] I am Thomas, one of the dignitaries, my good man. Here for the conference.

Furby: Here for the conference! Dignitary!

Johnny Lightspeed: [to Furby] Shut up, Furby! [to Super Evil Guy] May I see your invitation, Thomas?

Super Evil Guy: [realizes this plan will not work, since he has no invitation, and switches accents to French] Oh, I am actually not a dignitary, meusieur… I am Jean-Paul, the caterer.

Johnny Lightspeed: Ah, ok. The kitchen is just that way. [pointing]

Super Evil Guy: Merci, meusieur. [Walks off completely in different direction than Johnny Lightspeed was pointing, and sits down with the already present dignitaries]

Furby: Caterer! Caterer! Ha ha!

Johnny Lightspeed: We’d better get ready. C’mon Furby!

Furby: Better get ready! Better Get ready! [they make their way slowly through the seated dignitaries]

Head Dignitary: [Gets up, approaches head of the hall] Well then, it looks as if everyone of importance is here. First I would like to welcome everyone here to Alpha Station Nine, for our 19^th annual heads of state conference. I know that –

Furby: [repeating something someone in audience has just said] More like heads of steel!

Head Dignitary: Who said that?! [sees Furby] What is that thing? Someone remove that – [lights flicker, as power begins to fluctuate in the station]

Dignitary: [laser and explosion sounds are heard] We’re under attack!

[Crash and explosion sounds are heard. Just like in a really bad Star Trek show, everyone onstage leans or staggers to the left, then to the right, then back to the left. Those staggering fall down. One of the dignitaries, to emphasize the cheezity of the situation, leans or staggers completely opposite the other people on stage. Laser noises stop, and everyone gathers themselves back up.]

Head Dignitary: [Remaining calm, as though nothing has happened] Right. Now that that’s over with we can continue…

Furby: Continue! Continue! Now that that’s over with!

Head Dignitary: Get that thing out of here! It’s a risk to intergalactic security!

Offstage voice: We’re being boarded!

[Commotion among dignitaries for a few seconds, as Johnny Lightspeed leaps into action]

Johnny Lightspeed: Nobody panic!

Dignitary: Who are you?

Johnny Lightspeed: [proudly] I am… Johnny Lightspeed, Interstellar adventurer extraordinare A+! And this [pointing to Furby] is my faithful sidekick, Furby!

Head Dignitary: Hey, you’re not an adventurer… aren’t you the busboy?

Johnny Lightspeed: Have you ever been a busboy?

Head Dignitary: No.

Johnny Lightspeed: Then shut up!

Furby: Shut up! Shut up! Busboy!

Johnny Lightspeed: Quickly! We’ve got to assess the damage! [pointing to various people] You! Contact the bridge! You! [pointing to woman] Take off your clothes! You! Check that door! I’ll watch. [Everyone obeys]

Woman: [she has started to take off her clothes, but just now realizes what was said.] Wait… Why should I take off my clothes?

Johnny Lightspeed: [obviously] Why not?

Woman: But how will it help?

Johnny Lightspeed: Alright… If you’re gonna be that way about it, let’s put it to a vote… All those in favor of this woman taking off her clothes! [Everyone except woman raises their hand] Opposed? [She raises her hand alone] Alright then!

[Woman concedes, and continues, and all men stare expectantly, when suddenly, Evil Scientist and his Assistant burst into the room, the Evil Scientist bears a large gun]

Evil Scientist: Nobody move! [Woman stops undressing, all men watch her stop, and go ‘awwww….’]

Johnny Lightspeed: You couldn’t have waited, could you?

Evil Scientist: No! I have come to take over this station, and force you all to make me the supreme ruler of the galaxy!

Johnny Lightspeed: Who’s captain geekazoid? [pointing to assistant]

Furby: Geekazoid! Geekazoid! Captain Geekazoid!

Evil Scientist: [dissapointedly] He is my assistant, Corky Verschnitzel!

Super Evil Guy: Corky Verschnitzel! [suddenly bursts into laughter, for unknown reasons, everyone looks at him] Sorry, inside joke!

Johnny Lightspeed: How exactly are you and nerd-boy gonna take over this station?

Evil Scientist: I’m glad you asked! With THIS! [presents Johnny Lightspeed with his gun]

Johnny Lightspeed: [holding gun] Impressive… lots of buttons… [gives it back to Evil Scientist] What is it?

Evil Scientist: [Victoriously] A SHRINK RAY! [People slink and gasp in terror] Just watch, as I demonstrate the power of this devious and dastardly weapon! Right now, it is on the lowest setting! Now behold! [points the gun at the group, winks at his assistant, and fires. As he does so, he and his assistant both raise themselves up on their tiptoes, giving the masterful illusion that everyone else in the room has slightly shrunk. Group cringes in fear] For now, I shall return you to your normal size. [Winks to assistant again, fires, and both lower down off tiptoes] But be warned! You will not be so lucky if I am forced to use it again! Now! You and you! And oh yes, you! Come with us to the control room! The rest of you will remain here! And don’t you even think of trying anything cute!

Furby: [dissapointedly, but still cute] Awwww….

Evil Scientist: [to Furby] I saw that!

[Evil Scientist and Assistant leave, along with their chosen few.]

Johnny Lightspeed: Right! We have to come up with a plan to get out of here.

Dignitary: But… but… he said no to do anything cute!

Johnny Lightspeed: Do you think plans are "cute"? Besides, the bad guys always say not to do anything, and its always up to the good guys to disobey and win!

Dignitary: Ooooohhhh…. Yeah. But… how do we know they’re the bad guys?

Johnny Lightspeed: DUH! We’re the good guys! [Super Evil Guy giggles] He just said not to do anything, didn’t he? [Dignitary nods, as though presented with incontrovertible logic] So, let’s come up with a plan! Anyone have any ideas?

Klingon: [leaps up, and says with force] nuqDaq'oH puchpa'e Nook-dak okh pooch-PA-e! [he then runs offstage, yelling aggressively, with batleth raised high over head, in obvious attack mode. As he goes offstage, a bonk is heard, followed by a pitiful whimper, then a powerful thud, as he collapses to the floor]

Johnny Lightspeed: Alright. Anyone else?

Furby: nuqDaq'oH puchpa'e Nook-dak okh pooch-PA-e! [mimics klingon, waves arms above head, runs in very small circle, then collapses and whimpers.]

Johnny Lightspeed: Right. Let’s see what the computer says. [Goes to computer, starts typing. Microwave beeps are heard again. Johnny Lightspeed stops typing, and again, the microwave cooking sound is heard, until, ‘BING!’ Johnny Lightspeed snatches a long readout from the computer, and reads it to the group.] Ok. The computer says we should make our way to the main power grid. We can get there by crawling through the geoffrey’s tubes, located here, here and here! Once we reach the power grid, there is a control console that controls the power flow to all the station’s systems. We can then use that console to [pauses, can’t believe what he has just read] Oh, no... You’ve gotta be shittin’ me. "Blink the station lights in Morse code." [Crumples up the paper, and throws it away] Who programs this stuff? [Examines computer] Oh, no wonder! It’s a Mac! [pauses to think] Well, that’s no good. What else?

2^nd Dignitary: I know! Let’s hide in that closet! Then when he comes back, he’ll think we’re gone and we’ll all be safe!

Johnny Lightspeed: How does that stop him from taking over the galaxy and everything?

2^nd Dignitary: Stop him? [realizing] Oh yeah… forgot about that.

Dignitary: Well how about we –

Super Evil Guy: [interrupting, is fed up] HOW ABOUT… someone stands by the door, and when he walks in, you punch him in the face, and take his gun? I mean, these two aren’t exactly rocket scientists… and there’s only two of them.

[everyone thinks about it]

Dignitary: But what if he shrinks us?

Super Evil Guy: No loss!

Dignitary: Ah… ok… But who will hit him?

Johnny Lightspeed: I will hit him!

[Everyone else except Furby and Super Evil Guy applaud him: "Excellent choice", "bravo", "good show", etc. Johnny Lightspeed leaps to the door, and waits, crouched. Everyone stands there eagerly. Long pause as nothing happens.]

2^nd Dignitary: What if he doesn’t come back?

Everyone: Yeah…

Super Evil Guy: Well, if he doesn’t –

[Suddenly, Evil Scientist’s Assistant comes in, who is immediately punched in the face by Johnny Lightspeed. Assistant falls to the ground unconscious. Evil Scientist enters next, proudly, as if their mighty efforts to punch him in the face have failed. Super Evil Guy smacks self in head, and shakes head]

Evil Scientist: Ha! I knew you would try something! That is why I sent my assistant in first! [Super Evil Guy is fed up, stands, and walks towards Evil Scientist]

Johnny Lightspeed: Our great plan, foiled!

Evil Scientist: Ha HA! That’ll teach you to mess with a superior [Super Evil Guy punches Evil Scientist in the face] Oh damn! [Falls over. Super Evil Guy walks back to his seat]

Super Evil Guy: If you want something done right…

Johnny Lightspeed: [quickly picks up the shrink ray, and breaks it across his knee.] Quickly! To the bridge! We must ensure that the dignitaries are safe! [they all exit, leaving Evil Scientist and his assistant on the floor]

[lights down]

Scene Three

[the main bridge of Alpha Station Nine. The dignitaries are huddled in a corner of the room, behind a line of masking tape.]

Johnny Lightspeed: [sees dignitaries] What are you doing?

Huddled Dignitary: He said not to cross this line or else!

Johnny Lightspeed: Well, he’s unconscious now, you’re safe.

Huddled Dignitaries: Whew! [all releived]

Johnny Lightspeed: Well, come out from there!

Huddled Dignitary: But… he said not to cross the line!

Super Evil Guy: [utter disbelief] Oh, just get out of there!!!! [pushes them out from behind the line. As they reach the other side of the line, they are scared, but when the cross the line and nothing happens, they all breathe a sigh of relief.]

Johnny Lightspeed: Ok. Now to contact the Galactic police to take care of those villains! [Goes to control panel, tries to push buttons, fails] Hey! I can’t use the computer!

2^nd Huddled Dignitary: Oh, he said he put a fractal recursion encryption password on it so that no one could access the system but him!

Johnny Lightspeed: Damn! We’re not out of this yet. Let’s go get that bastard!

Evil Scientist: [entering with Assistant] There’s no need. I’m right here. [collective gasp from group] You see, I am not yet defeated!

Johnny Lightspeed: You FIEND! Give us the password!

Furby: The password! The password! I’m right here!

Evil Scientist: No! [pause] Give me back my gun!

Johnny Lightspeed: I can’t… it’s been destroyed!

Evil Scientist: Well then, I’m afraid we are at an impasse!

Johnny Lightspeed: [thinking] Hmmm… are you familiar with the Khalorian Stipvath Challenge of Doom? [group gasps]

Evil Scientist: Yes, I am…. Are you suggesting that we engage in the Stipvath for the fate of the universe?

Johnny Lightspeed: I am. If you win, we’ll let you take over the galaxy! If I win, you must give us the password for the computer!

Evil Scientist: An intriguing challenge… I accept!

Johnny Lightspeed: Very well! Assume the position! [they stand sideways to each other]

Furby: Assume the position! Assume the position! Spread ‘em!

Johnny Lightspeed: May the best man win. [They reach out their hands to one another, as if they are about to shake hands, but instead, lock their fingers ready, poised for a thumbwrestling match]

Both: One, two, three, four, I declare a Kholorian Stipvath Challenge of Doom!

[The two thumbwrestle, while the crowd looks on, cheering on their side, making suggestions, ooing and ahhing. Finally, Johnny Lightspeed defeats Evil Scientist, and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers]

Johnny Lightspeed: You are defeated! Now give us the code!

Evil Scientist: Best out of three!

Johnny Lightspeed: No! I defeated you fair and square! Give us the code!

Evil Scientist: [Whiney] No! I won’t! I mean, were you really going to "let me take over the galaxy" if I beat you at thumbwrestling?

Johnny Lightspeed: Well… yes.

Evil Scientist: Well, it doesn’t matter, cause I’m not going to tell you the code!

Johnny Lightspeed: Well, then there is only one thing we can do! Furby!

Furby: Hmmm?

Johnny Lightspeed: The Furby Mind Melt!

Furby: Wheeeeeeee!

Johnny Lightspeed: Hold him! [two people do so]

Evil Scientist: What! What are you doing?!

Johnny Lightspeed: Furby? Commence Mind Melt!

Furby: [approaches Evil Scientist, and repeats "TELL ME!" very quickly, poking the Evil Scientist with every "TELL ME!".] TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME! [etc.]

Evil Scientist: [Writhing in pain] NO! AAAAA! NO! ERGH! AUGH! NNN! [etc…. Finally breaks down] ALRIGHT! Alright! I’ll tell you…. [pauses, everyone listens] the code is [pauses again]

Furby: [one last time] TELL ME!

Evil Scientist: Augh! The code is… 4!

Johnny Lightspeed: Four…. [expecting more to it]

Evil Scientist: [defeated] That’s it… just 4.

Johnny Lightspeed: That’s ALL? Just 4?!

Evil Scientist: Well, it worked, didn’t it?

Johnny Lightspeed: [embarrassed] Well, yes. [recovers, and goes to the computer, pushes 1 button, and computer comes back online with a microwave beep] Now that we have control of the station again, let’s call the Galactic police, and have these crimials put to justice at last!

[lights down]

Scene Four

[at the station, police are rounding up Evil Scientist and Assistant, eating donuts, whatever, a reporter is interviewing Johnny Lightspeed]

Reporter: I hear you are the one responsible for defeating these crimials and saving our galaxy!

Johnny Lightspeed: Yes! Yes I am!

Reporter: Tell me, why you? What motivated you to risk your life in the face of such terrible danger?

Johnny Lightspeed: [eating it up] Because I am Johnny Lightspeed! Interstellar Adventurer Extraordinaire A+! And besides, I couldn’t go letting him take over the galaxy, now, could I? But I couldn’t do it alone! And the man responsible for formulating our plan was this man here! [presents Super Evil Guy]

Reporter: [To Super Evil Guy] And who are you, sir?

Super Evil Guy: I am Super Evil Guy! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!] I had to prevent him from taking over the galaxy, because I am about to take over the galaxy instead! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Johnny Lightspeed: What?! NO!

Super Evil Guy: Yes, you weak minded fool! [punches Johnny in face, who falls unconscious]

Furby: Weak minded fool! [Super Evil Guy punches Furby in face similarly, who also falls to the ground]

Reporter: You’re taking over the galaxy? Could we interview you first?

Super Evil Guy: [gives audience a look, then, cunningly] Sure!

Reporter: [To camera] This is Sonny Supernova, reporting for channel eight-point-two times ten to the sixth, and I’m here with a mister Super Evil Guy [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!], who plans shortly to take over the Galaxy. So, tell me, mister Guy, what exactly are your plans for galactic conquest?

Super Evil Guy: [quickly goes into russian accent] Oh, am not super evil guy! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN] Am Robert, Supreme Ruler of Galaxy!

Reporter: Oh! [Looks around quickly for Super Evil Guy, but does not see him] What happened to that other guy who was going to take over the galaxy? Oh well, this interview is even better! An interview with the Supreme Ruler himself! So tell us, Robert, how do you feel, now that this Evil Scientist is defeated?

Super Evil Guy: Good. I feel good. Now I must get on with ruling the Galaxy. Thank you for your interest.

Reporter: Ok, that’s a wrap! Thank you, Robert.

Reporter: NO!

Super Evil Guy: YES!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! I can’t believe it’s been eight thousand years, and you people are still such idiots! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! [sighs] Ahhhhh….. [shakes head]

[Lights down]

FIN