We Are The Cheeze III:

A play in A minor

By:

Anthony Ball – Senior - WPI 515 - x6467 – ant@wpi.edu

Dave Eaton - Senior - WPI 2169 - 757-9965 – wpieaton@wpi.edu

A Purple Donkey Tradition

Cast:

Ug1: The smart Ug. He is a bit on the Geeky side for a caveman. He speaks with a much more defined grammar. We loving referred to him as "Ugstein".

Ug2: The stupid Ug... well, the stupid Ug we focus on, heheh. He is big, one of the tribe foremost warrior/hunters. He tries to eat rocks, need we say more? We referred to him as "FabiUg".

Linda: Store owner. Owns a costume shop in the future. Pretty (by caveman standards i.e. is breathing) and falls instantly for Ug2.

Ug Chieftain: A worthless lump of caveman. About on par with Ug2 for brains.

Stoner: Really wasted. Stereo-typical stoner.

Village of Ugs:All Ug, all stupid, all the time.

Ug tribe by

River and Big

Rock Where

Great Ug first

Set Forth all

Ugs: A rival Ug tribe, just as stupid, but bigger.

Scene 1

[Setting in Village Ug. Just a few huts and a rock garden. Some Ugs are walking around. National Geographic music starts playing]

Narration: Tonight on Prehistoric Explorer, we have a very special treat for you. Prehistoric man, as he really was. Our Archaeologists have made profound discoveries from our dig-site in South-Central Brooklyn. Sewer workers, finding strange artifacts while on the job, notified our 24-hour archaeological 800-hotline. We immediately sent a team to investigate the site. What they uncovered may shock and amaze you. For this television special, we have re-created what may have actually happened some 1 million years ago. We hope you enjoy: Cavemen - Meeting Our Past.

[Stage lights full up. Cave men are going on their daily business... answering natures call, etc.]

Narration: Here we see a typical caveman tribe: A tribe of Ug. Our re-enactment follows two particular members of the tribe.

[Ug1 and Ug2 enter, approach center stage. Ug1 enters pensively, Ug2 enters, striding almost as en vogue, brushing back hair, swaggering, etc.]

Ug1: Hello Ug!

Ug2: Hello Ug!

Ug1: What have you been up to today, Ug.

Ug2: Oh, I thump a few Ugs, uh... I mated with Ug... I tried to eat rock...

Ug1: Again Ug try to eat rock!?

Ug2: "Again"? What Ug mean "again"?

Ug1: You try eat rock every day, Ug!

Ug2: Oh.

Ug1: Why Ug eat rock every day!?

Ug2: I hungry! Rock Pretty!

[pause, Ug1 takes second look at Ug2]

Ug1: Why Ug all wet?

Ug2: Rock on other side of river.

Ug1: Why Ug cross river to eat rock? Rocks on this side of river! Rocks everywhere!

Ug2: [eagerly] I can eat these rocks?

Ug1: [shudders in frustration] I should thump Ug!

Ug2: [Raises club above head, makes war cry] Urgh!

Ug1: BUT... [cringing] Ug friend, I not thump Ug.

Ug2: So what Ug do today? Ug invent new flying thumper yet? [looks at Ug1 eagerly]

Ug1: [looks at audience, then sarcastically] Yes Ug! I invent flying thumper!

Ug2: OOOO! Show Ug!

Ug1: Give me Ug thumper. I turn Ug thumper into flying thumper.

Ug2: [louder] OOOOOOOOOO! Will take long?

Ug1: [Takes club, Ug2 will not give it up, clutching it desperately, will not give it to Ug1] Ug want flying thumper?

Ug2: Yes...

Ug1: Then give me Ug thumper!

Ug2: [looks sadly at club, slowly proffers it to Ug1, sticks thumb in mouth, looks like helpless baby]

Ug1: Ready? [Prepares to throw club]

Ug2: Uh huh! [Very eager]

Ug1: Ready?

Ug2: Yeah! Uh-huh! Yeah!

Ug1: [throws club offstage, looks back at Ug2]

Ug2: [watches club go, gapes in utter awe at the flying club] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [does a little dance... then pauses] but now Ug need new thumper!

Ug1: Ug can go get thumper!

Ug2: Ug can use thumper again?

Ug1: [Slowly] ...yes, Ug.

Ug2: Ug GENIUS! [runs offstage]

Ug1: [to audience] No... Ug just stupid!

Ug2: [Comes back with club] Wow! Now Ug try! [Raises club above head, drops on foot.] OW! Flying thumper thump Ug!

Ug1: Ug needs to throw flying thumper, not drop flying thumper.

Ug2: Oooh! Ok, lets get regular thumper too [Starts offstage]

Ug1: Why?!

Ug2: Ug still need thump regular way, stupid!

Ug1: [Following] Oh... [Shudders] You're much smarter than me,Ug... [sighs]

Scene II

Narration: And so goes a typical primitive exchange. Days were much simpler then, as were the men who lived them. From our research we believe that this is much the way daily primitive life carried on... hunting, mating and socializing. However, primitive life was not without its problems. Minor skirmishes and great battles often shifted control of fertile lands and food supplies. Early man had now evolved to a point where brains may outmatch brawn. This lead to many new ideas and technologies which eventually would turn the tides between brains and brawn, Eventually culminating into the society we enjoy today.

[Fade ack to stage, Ug2 stands over unconscious female Ug with Ug1 shaking head in pity, others are lying around]

Ug2: Ug flying thumper get lots of dates, even fast ones! Ug flying thumper greatest invention since dirt!

Ug1: What are you saying, I never invent dirt! Great Ug in sky invent dirt!

Ug2: Oh? Then Ug invent water?

Ug1: No!! I...

UgChief: [Running in, out of breath] Ug, Ug... Ug. Hi Ug!

[Both Ugs look]

Ug[1&2]: Yes, Ug?

UgChief: [Breathless] Ug [turns] Ug... raiders from Ug tribe coming, Ugs must defend village.

Ug2: [Petrified] ALL Ugs coming to raid us?! We'll be THUMPED! Ugs doomed! [Sits down and pops thumb in mouth]

UgChief: No no no, not ALL Ugs, just Ug tribe by River and Big Rock Where Great Ug first Set Forth all Ugs.

Ug2: PHEW!! [Relieved]

Ug1: [His turn to be petrified, stutters] Ugs by River near Big Rock!?!?!? The biggest Ugs I know! They eat rocks and like it!

Ug2: Hey! You said Ug can't eat rock!

Ug1: [Ug1 reaches around Ug2's shoulder, taps other side. Ug2 looks, Ug1 thumps Ug2 while he's not looking]

Ug2: [Jumping around] OW!! HEY! Ugs attacking! But Ug not see them! Ugs from river by big rock invent flying thumper too! OH NO!

UgChief: [Astonished] FLYING THUMPER?!? Now Ugs truly doomed! [Plops on ground, sucks thumb]

Ug2: Ugs doomed!? Awwwww! [Plops, thumb]

Ug1: Ugs by river n... Other Ugs not invent flying thumper. Get off ground! We have the only flying thumpers!

UgChief: We have FLYING thumpers!?

Ug2: Yes! Ug invented THIS... [presents his club to UgChief proudly] the FLYING thumper!

UgChief: That not flying thumper. That look just like regular thumper!

Ug2: But look! [Raises club above head, throws it offstage]

UgChief: [Stares in amazement, looks to Ug1 in awe] OOOOOO!! Ug is genius!! [Ug1 looks at ground, shakes head] Can we make flying thumpers for whole village before Ug raiders come?

Ug1: [Gives look to audience] Maybe...

Ug2: Wait! Where Ug raiders who thump on head?

UgChief: OH NO! [dives to ground]

[Ug1 gives another look to the audience, looks back at Ug2, taps his opposite shoulder, lights go down]

Scene III

Narration: As you can see, figures of authority have evolved a little from their prehistoric beginnings. Battle, however, has progressed much from it's early forms as we are about to see in this recreation of a primitive battle.

[4 or 5 Ugs are on stage, poised with clubs over their heads, ready to throw]

Ug1: Here they come, get ready to throw! 1...2...3... THUMP! [Ugs 1 and 2 throw their clubs, the rest just drop them on their feet, etc.]

Ugs: Hey, flying thumper not work! OW! etc.

Ug1: Quick, pick up thumpers! Attack!

[Other group of enemy Ugs come in and start fighting with the 'good' Ugs. Ugs 1&2 get new clubs to fight with. Thumping commences. One Ug is about to get thumped from behind, so his teammate shouts: "Ug, look out!". All Ugs on stage, including the one about to thump the first Ug turn around, trying to see where trouble is. Thumping continues; several times, "Watch out, Ug!" or "Ug, behind you!" is repeated, each time everyone looks, then continues fighting]

UgChief: Ugs! Retreat! Everyone retreats, including the invading Ugs]

Ug1: Look! The raiders are running away!

Ug2: Hooray, we have won! [Does dance, vogues, makes muscles, whatever]

UgChief: [Gets up from cringing] We won? [Looks around] We WON!

Ug2: [becoming solemn] We had better get indoors... Ugs are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers. [Other Ugs look up at Ug2 in surprise]

Ug1: Ug... right... [with surprise] Not sure exactly HOW... but Ug right!

[Ug2 repeats little dance]

UgChief: We ARE doomed! Ug! You are smartest of all Ug! You must help us! You invent compass! you invent breathing! You invent flying thumper! You invent DIRT!

Ug1: [interrupting... annoyed] I didn't invent dirt!

UgChief: You must make new invention to save all Ugs!... Except Ugs by river near big rock.

Ug1: But what should I invent? [everyone stands and thinks for 10 seconds or so] Wait! First Ug invent compass... then Ug invent breathing. Today Ug invent flying thumper... If only Ug know what Ug was going to invent, I won't have to wait to invent it! We could use it now and save village! [Ugs give Ug1 strange look of confusion] Yes, YES! That's it! Ug invent rock that turn today into tomorrow... OOOOh... but if Ug make rock bigger... turn today into many tomorrows. Then learn Ugs greatest invention ever, and save village. [Ugs giving him completely stupid looks now]

UgChief: Ummmmm... ok....

Ug1: Yes! Ug go do that now! [Runs off]

Ug2: What we go do while we wait for Ug?

[girl Ug walks across stage]

Ug2: Ug not know about you, but Ug celebrate victory... Ug get date! [goes toward girl] Give Ug sugar, baby! [girl starts screaming, runs. Ug throws club, girl yelps] How Ug ever get date without flying thumper?!

[Lights down]

Scene IV

Narration: As you can see, the life of primitive man was wrought with peril. Tribal battles occurred almost continuously between tribes vying for control of the best territory, ensuring their survival through harsh times, Only the strongest and most intelligent tribes would be able to survive through the cold winter seasons and times of plight. And thus, the human race crept forward up the evolutionary ladder, each generation stronger and brighter than the one before.

Ug2: [eating a rock] Ow!

Ug1: Stop eating rocks!

Ug2: But Ug! Ug is getting better at rock eating! Lose less teeth this time!

Ug1: Ug lose less teeth because Ug has less teeth! If Ug eats more rocks, Ug have NO teeth!

Ug2: Has Ug invented new invention yet?

Ug1: Uh... [Looking around, sees big rock] Yes! [Picks up rock, places it in front of Ug2]

Ug2: Isn't that compass?

Ug1: No That is time rock! Can't Ug tell difference between time rock and compass?

Ug2: Uh... [pause] no... how Ug tell difference?

Ug1: Simple! This time rock [Points to another rock] That compass!

Ug2: OH.. How Ug make time rock different from compass?

Ug1: [thinks] Um... secret... smart Ug things!

Ug2: Huh?

Ug1: See? Too smart for Ug to understand.

Ug2: Oh.

Ug1: But now, Ug must go into tomorrows to find greatest Ug invention and save Ug tribe!

Ug2: Oooooh... how do that?

Ug1: By using time rock, stupid! Watch... [Lifts up time rock, drops on head, falls unconcious]

Ug2: Wait for Ug!!! [Picks up the time rock, knocks himself out]

[Time like travel effect thingy]

Scene V

[Ug and Ug wake up in a big city park, a stoner is nearby]

Stoner: Where'd you guys come from?

Ug2: Yesterday!

Stoner: I hear that!

[Ug1 is standing in amazement at the tall buildings and cars all around him, jaw nearly to floor]

Stoner: Who are you guys, anyway.

Ug1: [Stepping forward, realizing pride for all he had invented] I Ug!

Stoner: Ahh, and who are you?

Ug2: [quizzical look] I Ug!

Stoner: [amazement] Far out! Same name, different guy! Cool.

Ug1: I, Ug, have come for Ugs greatest invention... do you know what it is?

Stoner: [Confused] Ug?? [remembers the introductions, forgets question] Oh yeah!

[Pregnant pause: Ug1 waiting for answer]

Ug1: So... What's Ug's greatest invention?!

Stoner: What did you invent?

Ug1: Ug invent all of this!! [motioning everywhere]

Stoner: Woah... cool...

[pause]

Ug1: Soooooo!! What Ugs greatest invention?

Stoner: Oohhh... [Pulls baggie out of pocket] This shit has gotta be Ug's greatest invention in the world...

Ug1: Give it to Ug!

Stoner: No way, man! Get your own shit! This shit is mine!

Ug2: Where Ug get shit, then?

Stoner: Oh... down on 5th and Main.. over there man... on the street corner... yeah...

Ug1: Let's go, Ug!

[Ugs walk away in said direction]

Ug2: Wow... Ugs in future much smarter than us [Ug1 shakes head] But why Ug's greatest invention in future shit?

Ug1: Ug not know, but maybe we can find out.

[They come to a sidewalk with assorted stores, stop in front of a costume shop]

Ug2: Are we there yet? Ug hungry!

Ug1: Ug not know, Ug not know where we are...

Ug2: You mean, Ugs lost?

Ug1: [Indignant] No,Ug just not know where we are. Ug said go down to fifth-and-main... [lightbulb] Ug use compass!

Ug2: Ooooh, Ug smart!

Ug1: [Pulling out huge rock, holds rock out straight in front of him, Ug2 watching with rapt attention. Ug1 drops rock, it falls...] Aha! Down is that way! [Points down at rock]

Ug2: Ahhh...

[Both Ugs stare down at compass rubbing foreheads. After a short while, Ug2 speaks]

Ug2: Hmmm... maybe we can get down in there! [Runs into costume shop]

Ug1: Ug! [Follows him]

Ug2: [Ug2 is stunned by this store, goes around feeling and just being in awe] Oooooooooooo!... pretty... shiny... fuzzy... LADY! [Goes to thump clerk]

Ug1: [stops Ug2] Ug! Wait! We need to find out how to get down!

Linda: [Has seen them, clearly is attracted to Ug2] Well, no need to ask twice! ["Jungle Boogie" starts playing, Linda starts dancing toward Ug2, who STARES, head bobbing, at Linda]

Ug2: [Puts hand on Ug1's shoulder, without taking eyes off Linda] Ug is GOD of invention!!!

Ug1: [Acknowledges his greatness]

Linda: So who are you guys?

Ug2: [Proudly] I am Ug!

Linda: And who's your friend?

Ug1: [Less enthusiastically] Oh, he is Ug, inventor of all things...

Linda: You guys have the same names?

Ug1: [dumbfoundedly, the answer is obvious to him] Well... yes!

Linda: Well, my name is Linda.

Ug1: [GREAT confusion] WHAT did Ug say Ug's name was?

Linda: Linda.

Ug1: [Amazed] There are OTHER names?

Linda: Well, yes, silly!

Ug1: [Still baffled] How many other names?

Linda: [puzzled] As many as you want. Anything can be a name.

Ug2: [Has missed the point completely] But Ug still need know. How Ug go down?

Linda: You're awfully forward, aren't you? [Looks him over] come with me...

Ug2: Are you going to take Ug down?

Linda: [Leading him offstage] You could say that...

[Lights down, lights up. Ug1 is pacing, Ug2 and Linda come back out... Ug2 is VERY happy]

Ug2: That first time Ug ever do that with conscious woman!

Ug1: Lin-da!

[Linda acknowledges Ug1 while Ug2 goes through costumes and finds a Frilly Pink Tutu, and experiments with it in new and exciting ways]

Linda: Yes Ug?

Ug1: Your name is not Ug, but Lin-da, right?

Ug2: [background] OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Sooooooft!!

Linda: [Slowly] Yes, Ug.

Ug1: So, can my name be Lin-da too?

Linda: [Doubtfully] I suppose so... but I think you're more of a... Steve.

Ug2: [background] Smells... nice! [surprised]

Ug1: St-eve.. Steve...My name is... Steve! What about Ug? [pointing at Ug2, who is putting on tutu, one leg is in, hops precariously]

Linda: [Thinks for a second, then, decisively] Fabio! [Ug2 falls over in a clumsy heap, and is able to put on the tutu]

Ug1: Let me try... [to Ug2] Fabio!

Ug1: [No response from Ug2, Ug1 is puzzled] It didn't work!

Linda: That's because he has to know his name is Fabio!

Ug1: Oh... [To Ug2] Ug!

Ug2: [Now fully in tutu, thoroughly enjoying the sensation of wearing a tutu] Yes Ug?

Ug1: Your name is... Fabio... now.

Ug2: [Slowly] Uh... ok, Ug.

Ug1: And my name is now Steve.

Ug2: Ok, Ug. [Accepting it]

Ug1: No. Not Ug... Steeeeeeve!

Ug2: Ok, Ug, your name in Steve.

Ug1: No. Instead of Ug, Steve!

Ug2: Ug... Steve... Ug... Steve... ok UgSteve!

Ug1: [realizes he's lucky to have got this far, say to Linda] That better than Ug... uh, Steve hoped!

Ug2: [Dancing clumsily around the store, ridiculously happy with his costume] Hey! UgSteve should try this! It makes UgFabio happy!! [comes to mirror, starts admiring himself]

Linda: He's mentally challenged, I take it?

Ug1: No, he just stupid.

Ug2: [Starts feeling his body] Ug feel... funny... Ug feel... different... [Slowly takes out his club]

Linda: He's one of God's "special" children.

[Ug2 hits himself over the head, falls to the ground]

Ug1: Nope.

Scene VI

[Lights up. UgChief and a couple Ugs on stage... Ug1 and Ug2 run on. Ug2 still wears frilly tutu]

UgChief: [Yelling] Ug and Ug have returned!

Ug1: Yes, Ug, we are back, and have found a new invention that will save Ug tribe!

UgChief: You mean that? [Pointing to the tutu that Ug2 is still enjoying]

Ug1: No... something better, greatest Ug invention ever...

UgChief: Show Ug! Ug tribe by River and Big Rock attacking tomorrow!!

Ug1: Gather the tribe!

[fade to narrator]

Narration: This was a time of great discovery, where man first began to discover his full potential. These were times that tried the existence of mankind. These were the times that made humans what they are today.

[Lights back on group. Two groups poised for combat]

UgChief: Attack!!!

[Fighting commences, but this time...]

UgMike: [Ug2 is about to get thumped from behind] Behind you, UgFabio!!

[Ug2 ducks and thumps the thumper.. this happens to other tribe members... (make up UgNames), finally, UgSteve]

Ug1: Ugs!

[All of rival tribe turn their heads. Our tribe thumps them all! All fall down simultaneously]

UgChief: We have won? We have won! UgSteve... you are GENIUS!!!!

Ug1: Well... yes.

UgChief: Our tribe will now be the strongest tribe of all. Tribe Linda will live forever!!!!

Ug2: Enough talk... Now we mate with grateful females! [Prances offstage]

[Linda tribe dances offstage]

Narration: We hope you have enjoyed tonight's special: Cavemen - Meeting Our Past. Join us again next time when we examine another prehistoric mystery: Are dinosaurs Really Gone? Find out the answer to this and other question on the next exciting installment of prehistoric explorer! [goes offstage, music fades out]

FINIS!